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  1. #1
    I'm back YIPEE Refreshed! The Chee's Avatar
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    Talking Jokes to cheer u up

    The preacher`s, Sunday sermon was,"Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies?
    About half held up their hands.
    He then repeated his question.
    Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
    He then repeated his question.
    All responded, except one elderly lady.
    "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
    "I don`t have any."
    "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
    "Ninety-three." she replied.
    "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
    The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It`s easy, I just outlived those `````es.
    A man has got to recognize his limitations, and then learn how to adapt within those confines. Then go out and conquer.

  2. #2
    I'm back YIPEE Refreshed! The Chee's Avatar
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    Norman and his blonde wife life in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through". Norman`s wife goes out and moves her car.
    A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow- plow can get through.". So, Norman`s wife goes out and moves her car.
    The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park..." then the electricity goes out. Norman`s wife says, "Honey, I don`t know what to do..."
    Norman says, "Why don`t you just leave it in the garage this time."
    A man has got to recognize his limitations, and then learn how to adapt within those confines. Then go out and conquer.

  3. #3
    I'm back YIPEE Refreshed! The Chee's Avatar
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    Talking Pubs back home

    An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there`s a little bar called McTavish`s. Now the Landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he`ll buy the 5th one for you."
    "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
    "Ha, that`s nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there`s Ryan`s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they`ll buy you a drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you`ve had enough drinks they`ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All of this is on the house."
    The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman`s claims, but he swears that it`s true.
    "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
    "No, not meself personally, no." said the Irishman, "But it did happen to Bridget, my sister!"
    A man has got to recognize his limitations, and then learn how to adapt within those confines. Then go out and conquer.

  4. #4
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    Gorilla Jokes

    A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in
    her tree.
    She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla
    removal service.

    When she asks if they can remove the gorilla,
    the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?"
    "Male," she replies.
    "Oh yeah, we can do it. I`ll be right there," he states.

    An hour later, the service guy shows up with a
    stick, a Chihuahua, a
    shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
    He then gives the woman some instructions.

    "I`m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla
    with the stick until he falls out of the tree"
    "When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to
    bite the gorilla`s testicles off"
    "The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect
    himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

    The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
    The service guy replies,
    "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does,
    shoot the Chihuahua."

  5. #5

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    The U.S. spent 1 billion dollors to find a writing insturment that would work in 0 gravidy in outer space. No matter how hard they tried they couldnt find the solution to this problem. The Russians finaly figured it out . They call the new insturment a pencil .

  6. #6
    I'm back YIPEE Refreshed! The Chee's Avatar
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    A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
    "Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
    "Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
    "Oh, I`m very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
    "Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
    "Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
    "I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
    "What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
    "Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady`s toilet!"
    A man has got to recognize his limitations, and then learn how to adapt within those confines. Then go out and conquer.

  7. #7
    I'm back YIPEE Refreshed! The Chee's Avatar
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    Cool Takes One To Know One

    Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I`m not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore."
    "Why not?"
    "Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
    "That`s possible."
    "Not when I had the ball in my pocket!"
    A man has got to recognize his limitations, and then learn how to adapt within those confines. Then go out and conquer.

  8. #8
    Darth Camaro 12/27/15 Don's Avatar
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    A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,
    "Mommy, are these my brains?"

    Mom said, "Not yet, honey."
    Don M

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  9. #9
    Darth Camaro 12/27/15 Don's Avatar
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    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
    couldn`t help noticing how beautiful John`s roommate Julie was. She had
    long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and
    this only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
    started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met
    the eye. Reading his mom`s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you
    must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
    came to dinner, I can`t find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don`t
    suppose she took it, do you?"

    John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I`ll write her a letter just to be
    sure."

    So he sat down and wrote:

    "Dear Mother,

    I`m not saying you `did` take a gravy ladle from my house, and I`m not
    saying you `did not` take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has
    been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love, John."

    Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

    "Dear Son,

    I`m not saying that you `do` sleep with Julie, and I`m not saying that you
    `do not` sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping
    in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

    Love, Mom."
    Don M

    Proud owner of a 2017
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  10. #10
    Darth Camaro 12/27/15 Don's Avatar
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    When the ark`s door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

    "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO s e x on
    this trip. All of you males take off your p`enis and hand it in to my
    sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land,
    you can get your p`enis back."

    After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife`s cage and was very
    excited.

    "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to
    see if there is any land out there!"

    Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said,
    "Sorry, no land yet."

    "Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

    This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit
    asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days
    and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land.
    But why are you acting so excited every day?"

    "Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of
    paper, "I GOT THE HORSE`S RECEIPT!!"
    Don M

    Proud owner of a 2017
    SUPERCHARGED
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  11. #11
    Detailing Stare keeotee's Avatar
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    Some time around the turn of the century, and very strict and no non-sense man married himself a fine, young and beautiful woman. On the way home from the wedding, on a country road, liesurely riding along, the horse came upon a snake and reared up. The man stopped the carriage, got out, walked up to the horse and looked him in the eye and pointed his finger at him and said "That`s once!". Then he got back in and they continued on their way. His new wife merely looked at him.

    Not much further down the road the horse stripped over a fallen branch. The man immediately stopped, got out, walked up to the horse, looked him in the eyes and slugged the poor animal. Then he said "That`s twice!". He then got back in the carriage and proceeded down the road. His new wife merely looked at him.

    They hadn`t gotten far wen the horse stumbled in a rather large pothole. The man once more immediately stopped, got out, walked up to the horse, looked him in the yes, pulled his gun and shot the poor beast in the head. He unhitched the horse, leaving only one horse now, got in the carriage and was about to proceed on down the road when hi swife, who could no longer containt herself began to exlaim "How can you shoot that poor horse for nothing more than simply stumbling!!".

    With that, the man slowly turned to her, looked her straight in the eyes and said "That`s once!".
    If the wolf howls by the light of the moon in the dark of the night...

  12. #12
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    Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He
    kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire
    also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

    One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and
    during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a
    proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars,
    or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool
    full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

    As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound
    of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was
    swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer
    him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool
    unharmed.

    The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible!
    Fantastic! I didn`t think it could be done! Well, I must keep
    my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one
    million dollars?"

    The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don`t want
    your money! And I don`t want your daughter! I want the
    asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

  13. #13

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    A little boy walks in on his mom while she was in the shower. He asks "mom, what`s that between your legs"? Caught off gaurd, she responds with "OH son, that`s my wash cloth". OK the boy says and runs off to play. WHEW, the mom thinks to herself, that was easy.

    Later in the afternoon, the mom was out by the pool sunbathing. The little boy runs out and says " MOMMY, MOMMY, the maid is upstairs washing daddy`s face".
    Some people call it a 6 pack, I call it a support group.

  14. #14

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    The head psychitriast at a mental hospital decides to take his patients to a baseball game. A few weeks before the game he decides to work with his patients to make them feel more at home while the game is being played and gives them some cues as to what to during the game.

    Well, the big day comes and the bus unloads the hospital patients at the stadium. Everyone gets to their seats OK. The National Anthem is being played and the head psychitriast says "up nuts", and all the patients stand up". When the Anthem is over he says "down nuts" and they all sit down. The star player for the home team hits a home run and the psychitriast says "cheer nuts" and they all jump up and cheer as loud as they can. The umpire makes a bad call on one of the players for the home team and he says "boo nuts". All the patients jump up and boo and hiss and yell at the umpire.

    Everything is going great and the psychitriast tells his assistant that he is going for a hot dog and a soda, and the assistant is in charge. He returns after a while, only to find a riot going on. Confused, because everything was going so well when he left, he searches, and finds his assistant. "What happened" he asked? The assistant replied "I don`t know, everything was fine, until some guy walked by yelling "PEANUTS,PEANUTS"!!
    Some people call it a 6 pack, I call it a support group.

  15. #15
    spriro's Avatar
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    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a `handy-woman,` and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

    The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?

    The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man`s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

    The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she`s dumb?"

    "No....I guess I`m guilty of being influenced by all the `dumb blonde` joke e-mails we`ve been receiving."

    A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You`re finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00.

    "And by the way`" the blonde added, "it`s not a Porch, it`s a Lexus!"

 

 
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